Every year, when Jensen's birthday rolls around, I always have one of these moments of thinking that he can't possibly be that old, he was just 28. This year, Jensen turned 39 and I thought - no, can't be, that will make him 40 next year and I can't really be just realizing this now, can I? Except, along with whatever age Jensen is turning, it is a reminder that in a few short weeks, I will again be turning ten years older than he is and that means 49. Today.
I know age is just a number and all that but for whatever reason, I am more acutely aware that with this birthday, I am growing older and that time has passed more quickly than I have been aware of. What? I was just 28. I am not depressed, just really baffled by how quickly I got here. I don't like to think of the passing of time. Maybe it is because moving forward in time brings change along with it and I'm not a fan. Maybe I'm marking this new year more now that my body no longer lives on a schedule that follows the moon, only by the weeks and months set out by St. Gregory, the patron saint of day-planners. Maybe it is because my kid told me that in a year, I'll be halfway to 100. Whatever the reason, I am looking at my age as a number and that number seems to loom bigger than it probably should.
Despite this new, not utterly welcome recognition, I am still grateful to be here and am looking forward to this next year. In many ways, I am happy to leave last year behind. The bad was elected and Must Not Be Named plus we lost a lot of folks that meant a lot to me. The good stuff was things like putting the basement back together after a flood, actually getting a paying job for the first time in 13 years, lime Icelandic yogurt, walks with dogs, some decisions made about what to do after retirement, getting done with therapy and feeling better, my first smart phone - emojis, where have you been all my life, watching my kid grow into a full-fledged, tumblr-using fangirl, the arrival of Arrow and Zeppelin Ackles, and another Padalecki on the way.
To end one year and start another and to get a break from the Minnesota winter, I'm in Florida for spring break and here is the sand dragon we made on the beach.
Come on 49, I got this.